Error 404: Faulty Love Connection

So I'm the only single one here at FOTB and believe me, it ain't all Beyoncé songs and twerking my friends. No, sometimes it’s eating the whole tub of ice cream and not having the energy to justify it because there’s no one there to justify it to anyway. That being said, I could probably put some make up on to attract a man and maybe even brush my hair occasionally. But what fun would that be? It sounds like hard work, actually. No matter how easy Zoella and Michelle Phan make it look, I cannot do a smokey eye to save my life.
No instead I'll be hitting up Tinder and OkCupid tonight. Because that's where the real gems are found.

My hopes of finding my Prince Charming, who is simply misunderstood and/or busy because of his demanding yet well paid job, have long since disappeared. I am left with nothing but empty dreams and disappointment. Yeah, I'm totally not even going to try to sugar coat it.
I have come to expect comments such as "You viewed my page twice today, do I have a new stalker?" which are meant to be flirty and fun but come off creepy. I've also come to realise that no, I did not intentionally check you out my friend, my finger simply slipped on my over enthusiastic touch screen as I attempted to shovel yet more savoury snacks into my mouth to stop me from feeling so alone.

Of course there are things you learn quickly about internet dating. Like never giving out any personal information, even as simple as a birthday or your favourite park to take your lunch break, until you are 1000000% sure you will not wake up one morning to find SuperDan459 sitting at the bottom of your garden without invitation. You also learn to never allow contact with someone with only one photo. Chances are it's not really them and/or they know their camera angles better than their ABC's.
You learn to instinctively know which username will bring only trouble and when you're never getting a reply to a message you thought was cute/funny/smart/witty/out going or all those things combined.

You see, internet dating can be humiliating. When your grandmother asks why you can't meet a man in real life like your cousin or why you can't just embrace spinsterhood and did you need her to show you how to pearl stitch again?
Or when you have to patiently explain that you haven't given him any physical description because you're not really sure he looks like a Grecian god outside of World of Warcraft but his profile photo sure is a turn on and he’s really good at providing you with information quickly, he’s not dependent on Google, he swears it’s true. 

 

Those things are quickly expelled when you meet someone amazing. That person that comes along and cracks jokes about bacon and flying cats and wants to take you for expensive coffee because you bloody well deserve it. The person you aren't afraid will murder you the first time you actually pluck up the courage to meet. And that person makes you feel great. And you tell your friends where you met with no shame. "Try it" you say with a secret smile that they'll definitely find weird.

That person is worth all the hours of viewing endless profiles until you're sure it's the same man with different usernames and my god if you have to read one more profile explain in intricate detail how awesome Game of Thrones is you may just commit murder. You're sure it'll be a lasting relationship because he's not afraid to meet your parents. He speaks nicely to your friends even when they're being complete morons that even you are ashamed to be associated with. You can have a chat about bats without feeling like that's too nerdy. It's ok that you're being indecisive about that pair of shoes, he didn't have anything else to do but shop with you anyway.

That person will absolutely understand that putting on make-up was a struggle this morning so you just skipped it and they will want to take a selfie with you anyway. That person will send you texts late at night to ask you what show you’re watching and if your favourite character has survived another attack by some supernatural being on their town. That person will buy you a lollipop and not mind that he looks like he’s dating a pre-teen when you eat it straight away. That person will introduce you to his housemates with a smile that says “Yeah, she’s into me, I can’t believe it either” and want to explain to you the ins and outs of their daily routine at work.

Yeah that person is pretty great.

And then you discover you're moving to New Zealand and you know it's inevitable but the break up still sucks anyway and even worse, you find yourself back on Tinder every Friday night.

Yeah, internet dating is a joy. You should totally try it too. It might even work for you!